The best non-fiction for understanding and owning your desire

There’s nothing quite like the escape you can find in smut. One minute, you’re surrounded by noise and fury on your daily commute. The next, you’re swept up in deliciously vivid descriptions of pleasure–on beds, desks, thrones, forest floors… I could go on, but that’s enough about my weekend plans.

There’s also something divine about being in the here and now, connected to your body, mindfully exploring your own desire. Where and how you like to be touched. When you feel most connected to your sexuality. What it is about specific tropes that lights a fire in you.

I believe that journey should always start with and come back to you, darling. I also know there are some fabulous, knowledgeable and experienced authors who can be your guide as you travel and put it in context you may never have considered. If you’re new to sex-positive non-fiction, here are six of my favourite reads that will help you discover and own your desire.

Come As You Are - Emily Nagoski, Ph.D.

If ever there was a bible for women’s pleasure, this is it. Emily Nagoski has been a sex educator for decades and this science-led guide combines her experience with well-overdue research into women’s sexuality. It explores the impact that factors such as stress, mood, trust and body image have on female desire and busts outdated myths that might have been holding you back or keeping you distant from yourself and others. 

Where to buy: Bookshop.org - Amazon

Want - Gillian Anderson 

An icon. My queen. I couldn’t do a list about sex-positive non-fiction and not include the utterly gorgeous and ground-breaking Want. If you missed it the first time around, it’s more anthology than sex education (sorry darlings, it was right there…) A collection of anonymous fantasies submitted by women and non-binary people across the globe. If you’ve ever felt alone or insecure in your sexuality, consider this your antidote. And if you’re voraciously curious like yours truly, it’s a banquet of sexual authenticity.

Where to buy: Bookshop.org - Amazon

Fruit of Knowledge - Liv Strömquist

How we view ourselves as women is often through the lenses of history and culture. When we understand the context, we have more power to challenge (or celebrate) how we feel about our bodies and sexuality. Swedish cartoonist Liv Strömquist transports you to moments and places that have shaped women’s health and beyond. It’s a journey of both highs and lows, darlings, but ever so necessary for anyone wanting to deconstruct their inhibitions and reconnect with themselves.

Where to buy: Bookshop.org - Amazon - Kindle

Mind the Gap - Dr. Karen Gurney

No shade to some of my favourite romance authors, but you’d be forgiven for thinking that toe-scrunching, mind-bending orgasms are a cinch with the right MMC and a safe word. The truth is a little more complicated, and that’s what clinical psychologist and psychosexologist Dr. Karen Gurney explores in Mind the Gap. If you have heterosexual sex and often find yourself thinking ‘Is this normal?’ or ‘Why does this happen?’ you’ll probably find the answer here, along with some practical exercises and tips. Remember: practice makes pleasure, darlings.

Where to buy: Bookshop.org - Amazon

Pleasure Activism: The Politics of Feeling Good - Adrienne Marie Brown

If you’ve ever felt guilt, shame, disgust or fear about your own desire or pleasure, you're not alone and this is for you. The series of essays, contributed to and curated by Adrienne Marie Brown, draws on Black feminist tradition and invites us to re-evaluate how we view and experience pleasure for ourselves and others. Not exclusively about sex and sexuality, but with essential messages that help us reconnect with why pleasure is important and can lead us to liberation. 

Where to buy: Bookshop.org - Amazon

Mating in Captivity: Reconciling the Erotic and the Domestic - Esther Perel

When someone is new and unexplored, it’s often easier to feel excited and access your desire. When they’re familiar and feel fully known? That’s when you need the exquisite experience and wisdom of iconic psychotherapist Esther Perel. For my treasures in long-term relationships, this book offers fascinating case studies and discussion on how to nurture desire and have sex that feels exciting, playful and even poetic. 

Where to buy: Bookshop.org - Amazon