Ask Peaches: My TBR is way spicier than my actual sex life - should I be worried?

New here, darling? This post is part of a series called ‘Ask Peaches’ where I answer the delicious, burning questions you have about smut, sex and anything spicy inbetween. Read this for more context or send your own juicy musings straight to me at peaches@ladieswholit.co.uk Always anonymous, always answered in good faith and good fun. Take what you love and leave anything you don’t.

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Dear Peaches,

I keep seeing posts along the lines of ‘books my husband loved that he never read’ and feel a little inadequate. My TBR is a total trove of five-chili tropes: hand necklaces, ‘why choose’, stalker romance, CNC, primal play… the list goes on.

The thing is, it couldn’t be further from my actual sex life. I’m not sure if I just love those things for my FMCs, or if there are things I want for myself, off the page, too. Am I happy as I am, or am I repressing my desires because they’re taboo? Also, where do you even start having that conversation with a partner?!

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Deep breaths, darling. Your message is giving shame and self-doubt, and we leave those at the door here.

I’ve already written articles about exploring what you like and finding spice IRL, but this has a slightly different flavour to it. And I get it. 

On the one hand, we’re trying to escape the cage of the male gaze, and listen to and express our own desires instead. Fuck being told what we do and don’t desire.

On the other hand, it can feel like pressure to meet a new standard of sexuality or reject anything that could be interpreted as an act of submission. And that’s not right either–it denies us autonomy.

So, let’s start with this: desire exploration is delicious. Staying curious about yourself is self-care.

Sit with how you feel about the sex you have right now. How does your body feel? Where does your mind go? Are you ‘in the moment’ when you’re between the sheets? What feelings are you left with afterwards? Write this somewhere just for you.

Next, think about some of your favourite tropes and try this: imagine yourself in the FMC’s position. In those scenes that get your heart racing, your toes scrunching and blood rushing below your stomach. See how it feels. Check-in with yourself like before. 

Now, imagine that instead of the MMC, it’s someone you know that you’re attracted to. Your partner, your situationship, a crush. Does it feel different? If it does, how? What feels good? Does anything feel off? Does it give you the ick?

This little thought experiment won’t give you a clear answer, but it does give you information that’s all yours–an enticing treasure trail to follow. And you should follow it, darling. Even if you reach the end and decide that you’re already getting everything you want from the sex you have, you’ve learned more about your desire and you can own it. Or you might find a feral side that wants to be set free…

Now, the spicy dilemma of asking a sex partner for something different. There’s some gorgeous guidance on YouTube from kink educator Evie Lupine and sex therapist Amanda Pasciucco for how to have the conversation. Kink-friendly dating app Feeld also offers a free guided self-discovery tool that asks you questions to help you build out your desire profile, then share those results with someone.

Ultimately, darling, you don’t need a script for this. But you do need trust and curiosity. Someone you know you can trust with the knowledge of your desire, even if they’re not down for everything. And curiosity about them, how they feel when you let them in, and what they might share with you given the green light. 

Spill the tea on your spicy chats as soon as possible.