Ask Peaches: How do I explain smut to my judgey friends and partner?

New here, darling? This post is part of a series called ‘Ask Peaches’ where I answer the delicious, burning questions you have about smut, sex and anything spicy inbetween. Read this for more context or send your own juicy musings straight to me at peaches@ladieswholit.co.uk Always anonymous, always answered in good faith and good fun. Take what you love and leave anything you don’t.

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Dear Peaches,

I’ve been open about my love of spicy romance and romantasy with the people close to me. I’m not ashamed of it, but now it’s become a bit of a running joke. Nothing malicious, just… comments. Eyerolls. Smirks. The occasional ‘What fetish are you reading about now?’ Ugh.

I know my reading choices (and my desire) are valid. But in the moment, when someone makes a dig, I never quite know what to say. What would you do?

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Sadly, this is a tale as old as time, darling. You’re right that it’s not malicious. But it’s also lacking in a respect, and certainly curiosity.

Before the advice, a little background. Women’s desire and pleasure has been anything but acceptable for hundreds of years. The full story? Something for another day wielding my wicked little pen. But this Imperial College article covers some of the worst offences, from the evil nature of female ‘yin’ energy described in the 4th century to Freud’s views of women’s desire as inherently masculine.

So, the average person’s disdain for smut is no surprise, but also not carte blanche to be ignorant and rude. As author Casey McQuiston wrote for TIME Magazine, ‘if we don’t laugh, if we don’t turn away, if we stop pretending to be too cool or too intellectual or too ironic to acknowledge our own desire, romance has so much to show us about ourselves.’ Couldn’t have said it better myself.

When you get those comments or looks, take a beat. Know it’s less about you and more about centuries of oppression and reduction of women’s desires that we’re still fighting off.

What do you do when you’re confronted by doubt or derision? Short of a full feminist symposium (which would be iconic), here’s a few responses to try on for size:

‘It’s part of my self-care, same as your gym session… just more fun.’ Pleasure is restorative. Escapism is essential. The science backs it up and so do millions of other women, darling. Reading smut relieves stress, sparks joy and helps women reconnect with their desires in ways that a spin class and a green juice can’t compete with.

‘The romance industry is worth over a billion dollars, so it’s not just me.’ It’s millions of women, globally, unapologetically. The market didn’t accidentally become one of the biggest in publishing. Female desire is the main character now, darling, and it’s not going anywhere.

‘Fiction is fantasy - do you worry about people who love reading crime fiction?’ I’m ecstatic whenever a smut girlie wants to try their favourite tropes on for size in the real world. But smut isn’t an advert for most readers - it’s about thrill and novelty, just like crime and sci-fi.

‘Is there something wrong with women enjoying sexual narratives written for them?’ Spoiler: no there isn’t. The discomfort around women openly consuming content made for their pleasure says considerably more about the culture than it does about the reader.

‘My e-reader and I are very happy together, thanks for asking.’ Delivered with a smile and no further comments. Sometimes the most powerful response is the one that dismisses the notion of shame entirely.