Ask Peaches: How do I prepare for my first sex party or kink night?

New here, darling? This post is part of a series called ‘Ask Peaches’ where I answer the delicious, burning questions you have about smut, sex and anything spicy inbetween. Read this for more context or send your own juicy musings straight to me at peaches@ladieswholit.co.uk Always anonymous, always answered in good faith and good fun. Take what you love and leave anything you don’t.

Dear Peaches,

I've finally decided to take the plunge and book my first sex club night. I've been curious for ages–devouring dark romances, side-eyeing the kink subreddits, mentally drafting hard limits in the bath–and now I've actually got a ticket to a real one in a few weeks. And I'm spiralling.

What do I wear? Do I need to memorise the rules? What if I freeze and end up just standing by the snack table all night clutching a drink like I'm at a school disco? I don't have a partner going with me, I don't know anyone there, and the closest thing to prep I've done is read The Secret Club three times.

Oh darling, this is the best news I’ve had since my regular Friday fuck asked to bring a friend. I’d like to think you were inspired by my ‘Where do I find spice IRL?’ response. Either way–welcome to a brave new world. Now breathe.

Practical things that answer your questions first:

Dress code

In terms of what you must wear to get into the event, most venues or organisers will have that information on their website in the FAQs, or even attach it to the email when you buy your ticket. But, if you’re asking what you should wear, here’s the tea, darling. 

For your first ever sex or kink event, my advice from personal experience is find something that makes your body feel comfortable and sends your confidence higher than the Ilyrian Mountains. Buy a few options, try on at home and compare how the fabric fits and feels on you. Do you feel like a goddess? And can you picture yourself wearing it all night and putting it back on with ease? There will always be another event to debut something devastating and elaborate. But for your first, focus on the sweet spot between comfort and confidence.

(Include Lovehoney in your shopping spree and use LADIESWHOLIT at checkout for 20% off everything).

Rules

I live by ‘Ask for forgiveness, not permission’ in most areas of my life, darling. But sex and kink nights are an exception to the rule, because it’s about everyone’s safety. With that said, most nights will have a very simple and common-sense set of rules, so don’t panic.

Take the Killing Kittens party rules, for example. They’re all about respect, consent and conduct, making it clear what you can’t do. No gossiping about others. No phones out. No drugs. And continuous, clear communication about consent. The hardest lines (photography, drug use, non-consensual touch) are the most obvious. And you’ll start to pick up on social conventions when you’re there. 

Play

Now for your participation anxiety. If the last section didn’t make it obvious enough, consent is everything at good sex and kink events. More than any toy or sleight of hand, an enthusiastic ‘Yes’ is what makes the experience so delicious, even more so when it choruses across the room. So play is always optional.

You can dip your toe, dive in or stand and watch* pleasure unfold in ways you’ve only read about. Some people go to do just that, and it doesn’t give school disco vibes, darling. It’s about bearing witness to collective euphoria, which still makes you a part of it. I know I love nothing more than catching roving eyes as I release…

*Watching is typically okay at events, but always check the details of the specific event you’ve booked.

Everything else

That should be your main questions answered, darling. But I have a few more pointers to ensure you have a fabulous time on your first outing:

• Well-organised events will have clearly signposted staff on hand. If you feel unsure, unsafe or even just need a nudge in the direction of a bathroom, don’t hesitate to ask them.
• Depending on the time of day, have a light meal beforehand and hydrate. You should be able to access water easily when you’re there, but it’s good to set your body up before all the potential panting and sweating…
• Play safe. Always use condoms, and change them between partners. Good hosts will always have plenty on hand, but bringing a few of your own (especially if you have a brand preference) is also advisable if you want to work the room to your clit’s content.
• Check in with yourself regularly. Scan your body, reflect on your feelings, see whether you need to take a break, a step back, or head home. This is your pleasure, your experience, your prerogative.
• Stay curious. Early on in the night, ask questions to repeat attendees (I promise there will be many…) When play starts, don’t feel like you have to rush to join in. Visit different rooms, watch others, see what and who sets your desire alight.

More than anything, enjoy, darling. Everyone was a first-timer once, so those more experienced are usually very open, inviting and non-judgemental, even excited to share how it all works. You belong, and you’ll be fucking fantastic. Tell me everything asap.