Ask Peaches: How can I get my partner to try dirty talk with me?

New here, darling? This post is part of a series called 'Ask Peaches' where I answer the delicious, burning questions you have about smut, sex and anything spicy in between. Read this for more context or send your own juicy musings straight to me at peaches@ladieswholit.co.uk. Always anonymous, always answered in good faith and good fun. Take what you love and leave anything you don't.

Dear Peaches,

I have a confession. I read a morally grey MMC growl “Who does this pussy belong to?" with the FMC in a hand necklace and combust on the spot. But the second I try to bring even a fraction of that energy into my actual sex life, it’s as if I’ve never asked a question before. I trust my partner and I think they’d be open to it, but the pinnacle of our verbal filth is limited to “Yeah” and “Right there.” Meanwhile my Kobo is basically an encyclopedia of unhinged utterances. How do I close the gap between the smut in my head and the words that actually come out of my mouth (and my partner’s)?

Darling, welcome to one of the most common dilemmas in the smut girlie experience. You've spent months, even years building a delicious desire lexicon in your head, courtesy of every MC who unleashed themselves in the throes of fucking. But when those same words get stuck in your throat when it comes to the actual bedroom, it might just be that reality needs a chance (and a little encouragement) to catch up with reality. So let’s get caught up in a few steps.

Find your filthspiration (what you want to hear)

Before you dive into recreating that very specific scene you have on repeat in your head, take a moment and reflect – really get specific with yourself. How do you want to feel with dirty talk? Dominated? Degraded? Worshipped or praised? Driven wild by your partner’s plans for you?

Grab a notebook and a stack of your favourite feral fiction. Pull out a few lines from each book that made you feel spicy, check for patterns and try to put a name to how it feels to read those lines. Bonus points if you listen to the audiobook, which is as close as you can get to the real deal.

Work out what doesn’t work for you

Just as important as what you like is what you want to stay on the page, treasure. Maybe degradation turns you inside out (in a good way) when it’s fiction, but would feel like a lukewarm shower at a public swimming pool from someone you’re being intimate with IRL.

Certain words might feel too clinical, too crude, too condescending, or just not you. Some icks you might not figure out until you try something in the moment, but knowing your hard limits before you start can guide the conversation confidently with your partner, instead of hoping they magically read your mind.

Involve your partner in the pre-play

It takes two to dirty talk, darling, and you don’t need a polished Powerpoint to get started. Try showing them a line that really got your blood rushing, and ask if it does something for them (or if they could picture themselves saying that.)

A willingness to try is all that’s needed, but you might be surprised to find they’ve been sitting on their own spicy word bank this whole time and had the same hesitations in sharing first.

Start small, build up to bold

Going from a simple “Oh yeah” to a symphony of smutty language that rivals Rinaverse scenes is probably not the right pathway to aural pleasure, darling. Try one word or one phrase in a low-stakes moment, maybe even outside the bedroom.

Texting is a fabulous training ground, as are hand-written notes if you want a more immersive transition. Practice makes confidence, and confidence is what carries you into even more mind-blowing back-and-forth.

Take the pressure off (because perfect isn’t possible)

Here’s the thing about fictional dirty talk: it’s engineered. The perfect line, said at the perfect moment, by an MC who never once fumbled or laughed at the wrong second (even if that was the original tension–it still ended up perfect). You might try a line and it just doesn't land – for you, or for them.

You might say something and immediately think never again. Communication around dirty talk is part of the dirty talk, darling. A partner who can laugh, adjust, and try again with you (and vice versa) is infinitely hotter than one who happens to say the right words on the first attempt.

You've already created a fabulous foundation for filthy talk — you know desire, you know language, you know exactly what makes a moment flammable for you. Now it's about giving yourself permission to bring it into the bedroom with you. Go forth and be feral, darling.