The 'pinnacle' gap and how to bridge yours

If there’s one scandal Lady Whistledown missed, it’s the pleasure gap for women. It should be the talk of the ton (and the group chat.)

New research by Lovehoney has reminded us just how big the gap still is:

• 23% of men think their partner orgasms every time during sex, while only 11% of women say they actually do
• 70% of UK adults can’t accurately locate the clitoris - even though 90% believe they can
• Only 33% of men say they stimulate the clitoris when having sex with someone with a vulva
• 13% of women say they ‘almost never’ or ‘never’ orgasm from penetrative sex alone

These numbers aren’t here to shame, darling. In fact, the research also revealed that only 34% of us (including 27% of women) remember learning about the clitoris at school. But with its 10,000 nerve endings, there solely for pleasure, missing it might mean missing out on some truly breathtaking and empowering sensations.

If you’ve seen Season 4 of Bridgerton (or read An Offer From a Gentleman) you’ll know that Francesca had trouble reaching her ‘pinnacle’ or even knowing what it was meant to feel like. It played out exquisitely: with open conversations about intimacy and curiosity about sensation. While pleasure gaps tend to resolve swiftly (and deliciously…) in fiction, it might take a little more time, communication and imagination in real life.

Here are a few ways to approach your very own pinnacle gap (masks and corsets optional):

Bridge your knowledge gap

Knowledge is power, darling, and in this case it could be your sexuality and sex life you empower with a little reading. There are some divine and evidence-based books from fabulous female sexperts who cover the topic in far more depth than I could dare. 

Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski is a fabulous place to start, but I’ve also got a full list of recommended non-fiction reads for owning your desire.

Slip into your imagination (and memories)

There’s more to an orgasm than physical stimulation. Especially for women, factors like temperature, timing, mood, environment and body image combine with different preferences for touch in different places to create the conditions for climax. 

To find out what works for you, think about the moments when you’ve felt turned on or felt pleasure–it’s good data. It could be a specific, spicy trope, a movie moment, a memory of ‘that night’... whatever led to you feeling some simmering, swelling, deep connection with your body. Write them down somewhere. Look for similarities. Reflect on how it feels to think about them again.

Explore your body without an agenda

Touching yourself is one of the most accessible and accurate ways to figure out what works for you, because you know instantly when something feels good. But if you touch yourself with orgasm as the goal, it can feel like there’s a problem if it doesn’t happen. Think of it less like a formula (step 1, step 2) and more like a journey or adventure.

When we feel unpressured to ‘get things right’ it’s easier to stay curious and open to what our body is actually telling us as we explore. If you’d like some inspiration for how to turn this experience into a self-care night, I’ve got just the guide.

Try a cliteral suction stimulator

A little technology can go a long, long way. Even if your bedside drawer is already enviably well-equipped, if you don’t have a cliteral suction stimulator, I urge you to run, not walk, to get one. With rhythmic, magic little air pulses, they create a fluttering sensation (likened to oral sex) that many people say feels intense in the best possible way.

The delicious darlings at Lovehoney have a range of clitoral suction vibrators to choose from with different designs and settings. If you’re overwhelmed by choice, you could read their guide or start your search with these bestsellers:

Lovehoney Rose

Cute, discreet and fits perfectly in your palm.

Womanizer Peach

How could I not include this, darling? Doubles as decor if you're bold.

Womanizer Next

Extra quiet, waterproof and with 14 intensity levels... need I say more?

Lovehoney Indulge G-Spot and Clitoral Suction Stimulator

Internal and external stimulation for next-level sensation.

Lovehoney Clitoral Suction Stimulator

Beginner-friendly with 7 intensity levels to tailor your pleasure.

And I’ve got even more good news: LWcL members get an exclusive 20% off Lovehoney orders with the code LADIESWHOLIT - enter at checkout and enjoy.

Communicate, communicate, communicate

Shame is the enemy of pleasure, darling. When we feel ashamed about what we want (or embarrassed to admit we don't quite know yet) we stay quiet. And staying quiet keeps the pleasure gap firmly in place. 

Communication doesn't have to mean a long, serious conversation with a partner (though it can). It can start much smaller: a gentle redirect during, a quiet ‘yes’ to something that feels good, a ‘this, more of this’. It can also happen in entirely different places, asking questions or sharing realisations with close friends. Language around pleasure is a skill like any other: a little awkward at first, considerably more fluent with practice.