Ask Peaches: how do I ask for time for myself without apologising?

New here, darling? This post is part of a series called ‘Ask Peaches’ where I answer the delicious, burning questions you have about smut, sex and anything spicy inbetween. Read this for more context or send your own juicy musings straight to me at peaches@ladieswholit.co.uk Always anonymous, always answered in good faith and good fun. Take what you love and leave anything you don’t.

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Dear Peaches,

I just can’t seem to get time to myself. Work emailing out of hours. Group chats pinging constantly. Splitting the little spare time I have between my partner, my family, my friends. I feel lucky to have so much in my life, but I also feel like there’s no space for my own thoughts, let alone spending time doing things just for me. 

How do I ask for some space without feeling guilty or upsetting people?

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I really feel this one in my soul, darling. For most women, there’s social conditioning to care and attend to others endlessly. Add to that: workplace pressure to be always-on and the sense of constant connection that smartphones and social media create - it’s exhausting. And it’s a phenomenon that’s increasingly showing up in research about stress differences between men and women.

So, how do we ask for the time that we need to rest properly and reconnect with ourselves and our desires, without apologising or feeling bad?

In my fabulous opinion (and personal experience) there’s two parts to this dilemma.

The first part is the time we give away through bending or breaking our boundaries. I’m talking work emails while you’re making dinner; replying to group chats when you’ve just got comfy with a book; scrolling Instagram for a couple of hours without a focus. 

No shade, no shame, darling. When all our technology is designed to keep us hooked, it’s no wonder we can’t easily put it in its place. We have to actively and mindfully create distance. Toxic workplaces or relationships aside (that’s a whole other Ask Peaches…) you own your time. Ask yourself: do I need work emails on my phone? Does the group chat need me right now, at this moment? Do I need to be on TikTok right now? 

There might be good reasons to say ‘yes’, sometimes. But constant access means you’re always on alert for the next thing that needs your attention. Look for ways you can limit that access to you, when you can. Use Do Not Disturb. Delete apps. Send holding messages. Some things can wait, and people will get it. 

The second part of this dilemma is when we’re regularly surrounded by loved ones, but not regularly by ourselves. Especially if you live with those people, the effect multiplies. Maybe there’s always conversations happening. Always compromising on what to watch together. Constantly doing things as a pair or group. Those connections are important, but it’s also easy to lose the connection with yourself in the midst: your own thoughts, feelings and desires get lost in the noise.

Asking for what we need can feel especially hard if we have experience of it coming with conditions or rejection. So let me put your mind at ease, darling: asking for alone time is nothing you need to trade or apologise for. It’s self-care, which we all need enough of to show up for ourselves and the people we care about.

How do you ask for it unapologetically? There’s no right way, but here are some of the things I do myself:

• Say it like it’s already decided: ‘I’m taking this Saturday morning to myself’ lands differently to ‘Would it be okay if I…?’ both for you and the other person.
• Keep it short and sweet: Share the reason you need some time, then stop explaining. Rest and relaxation don’t need to be qualified to anyone but you and your body.
• Remember ‘No’ is a complete sentence: Been invited out, when you actually need solo time at home? A simple ‘Not this time, have fun!’ is all you need.
• Start small: Setting aside an hour might feel easier than setting aside a whole weekend, to start with.
• Put it in your diary: If you’re like me, you treat your calendar like gospel. Block out time just for you and honour it like you would any friend or family member.
• Reframe the ask: You’re not taking something away from someone–you’ll still be there for them on the other side. You’re giving yourself something you need.

It might not be easy, but it’s oh-so-necessary. And the discomfort of saying no gets smaller every time you do it. Go well and stay spicy, darling.

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